I am always a little hesitant to write what all is on my mind but have had a few things lingering lately so as my "therapy" I'm going to spill it on here... haha
I TRY so hard and work even harder to be the best wife, mom, & friend that I can be. I worry about people, I pray for people, I fret when I think someone is upset with me, and honestly I tend to put so many people above my own needs that it later comes back to slap me in the face. I am NOT perfect and not proclaiming to be the best at anything but can promise you one thing. If I say "I'm praying for you" I am! If I say "Call me if you need help" I mean it! and if you need a friend to listen I hope you know I will be there for you anytime day or night.
There's been situations and hard times in my life that I've learned to rise above, I've suffered loss, and I've felt pain in my heart that hurt so bad I didn't want to take another breath. I am a strong person and I realized that even more in the past few weeks. I don't tell my feelings much, I bottle them up inside, and I cry when nobody is looking. I smile when I'd rather not and I hide it when my feelings are hurt far more so than I should.
I've always following the idea that "Be kind to everyone you come across for everyone is fighting some kind of a battle" so I always tell myself that someone has it worse than me and with that I give them the smile that might make there day, or simply say a quiet prayer for them. Because I have suffered loss I hurt when other hurt, I feel a pain in my gut when someone is suffering the pain that I SO remember going thru.
....however... I've learned that I keep way to much inside, and sometimes the hurt is simply unbearable.
I came to realize this last week. It's been 15 years since I lost my sister, and I completely dread the anniversary day each year. My friends came together and were there for me, helped me keep my mind busy, and were just friends to me. The "day" one of my dear friends checked on me several times and when she learned I'd be home alone with my kids that night asked to me to come and hang out with her and her kids. I kinda wanted to stay home and just be sad but I decided against it. We went and hung out and to my surprise she asked me all sorts of questions about Cortney. She asked me how she died, about memories I have, and just listened to me talk. I can't remember the last time someone just listened or cared to take the time to hear about my very best friend, to hear about the days following the worst thing that's ever happened to me, the saddest memories of my life. She cried with me, she hurt with me, and she listened!!! I think all too often we get wrapped up in what is going on in our own lives to realize when someone hurts. We get too wrapped up in our own issues and our own feelings to think of others. We worry so much about how someone is treating us to think about what their day must be like.. I know I do. I put my family first and always will but hope I can be the friend she was to me that day and will always listen when I need to. I hope I am that friend that knows when to call or be there at the right time, but if not I know that my prayers are going up daily for the special people in my life.
I got in my car to come back that night and shed quiet tears the whole way home. I didn't realize how much I need to talk until then. I needed to share those stories, to cry, and I needed a friend.
I hope that I am that friend to someone and I hope that God will give me the ears to listen when I need to.
